The Bench Sitters bet you expected them to talk about the coronavirus this week.

Well, they sure don’t want to disappoint anyone, but instead of talking about the serious part of the bug (which is real), they wanted to have a little fun with part of it.

The humorous side of this scary event started showing up in emails and social media right away.

We noticed an advertisement for “Tabasco sanitizer” being promoted by one good salesman. He says you will not put your fingers in your eyes, nose, mouth or other sensitive places more than once.

And the early morning coffee club (which has been growing smaller) can’t understand the toilet paper panic. They talked about finally having a use for all those socks that don’t match ... with one guy claiming you could then turn them inside out (not sure if he thought that idea through very well).

The dictionary defines “irony” as the use of words to express something other than, and especially the opposite of, the literal meaning and a sardonic literary style. This may well fit the current situation.

If all the health and government officials make the right calls and people pay attention to them, then the worst outcome probably won’t happen at all.

Then we can all say, “We knew damn well they were overreacting to this and the idiots caused the stock market to crash, gave us a rash where we sit and scared our wives so badly we now have so many groceries in the closet most will go out of date before we can use them.”

But if they don’t do enough and we see a few of the weaker and older part of the population relocate to Willow Grove ... we can all give them a good lashing “because they didn’t do enough” and “any idiot could see what was coming.”

Those folks making the decisions probably know they are going to catch “it” no matter how this ends up.

Maudie ‘n’ Sven are hunkered down here with few choices. We stare at each other while trying to think of something to visit about. After a half hour or more, one of us says …, “What’s for supper?”

Then someone asks, “Did we get a paper today?”

After a bit …, “What’s on the television?”

Then we turn on the TV to one of the cable news channels. Five minutes later we flip the channel to watch a rerun of “Everybody Loves Raymond” or “Mayberry” for a couple of episodes. But we can recite the dialog from memory, so that doesn’t last long either.

After that one of us asks …, “What did we decide to have for supper”?

Books are good.

Can’t let a St. Patrick’s Day pass by without remembering a distant relative by marriage who was well known by the name of Joe “Tiger” Sullivan. All who knew him understood he took a sip or two from time to time.

I happened to run into him in Omaha, Nebraska, on St. Patrick’s Day many years ago. Joe Tiger was stone sober.

“I thought you might be celebrating a little today,” I said.

“Nope,” Sullivan replied. “I leave this day to the amateurs.”

Bless a man with principles!

Meanwhile, back down on the Main Drag a lot of the boys are fighting different stages of “gambling depression.”  They can’t wager on all the boards and pools for March Madness or a number of other sporting events. A few of the poker games have been suspended as well.

The last time these guys looked at their stock portfolio or “401(k)s” they were feeling pretty proud. So maybe it’s better they didn’t make that many bets until we get some good news and things start to improve.

Read in the police news last week that a local resident was cautioned about his dogs chasing kids on bikes.

But when the officer stopped by to warn him, he said he didn’t think that was true. “My dogs don’t even have bikes.”

Got a laugh but the warning ticket was still written.

The final thought of the week from the Bench Sitters is about the “three things that are the hardest for all of us to say. They are …

“I was wrong.”

“I need help.”

And

“Pass the Worcestershire sauce.”

Stay healthy and we’ll write again next week.

SVEN

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